Leviticus and me
That God fellow doesn't beat about the George W Bush. I've been reading Leviticus – and blimey am I nervous. Not only does God threaten to kill the children of sinners...
"If even then you remain hostile toward me and refuse to obey, I will inflict you with seven more disasters for your sins. I will release wild animals that will kill your children and destroy your cattle, so your numbers will dwindle and your roads will be deserted."
Leviticus 26:21-22
...and make YOU eat people....
"If after this you still refuse to listen and still remain hostile toward me, then I will give full vent to my hostility. I will punish you seven times over for your sins. You will eat the flesh of your own sons and daughters. I will destroy your pagan shrines and cut down your incense altars. I will leave your corpses piled up beside your lifeless idols, and I will despise you."
Leviticus 26:27-35
..he points out that everything we know in life is wronger than a naked Gary Glitter tribute act jamming at a child's Birthday party. We all know gay's are wrong (LEV 18:22) - they've been wrong since that Oscar fellow wrote that luvvie book about some pretty dude called Dorian. That's a given really - I shit out of there for Christ’s sake. But why did my school ruin my religious education with boring stories about stables when they could have pointed out that its wrong to touch dead pigs (LEV 11:6-8). Even more worrying is that getting your hair trimmed around the temples (LEV 19:27), and eating shellfish (LEV 11:10) are both considered abominations worthy of a smite or too. Obviously my secular ass knows murder is a fucking no no; but pig-skin? Well poke my eyes out, do the Hokey-Cokey, then sodomise my spawn. No-one told me nuffin about that guvna. Although I have to admit, there's not been a lot of Jews about since that Adolf borrowed a load. That's irrelevant anyway. God, much like the filth, isn't tolerant of ignorance – so I’m glad I’ve learned this now to spare me an afterlife shafting.
More importantly, if you are a man-lover, sporting the stereotypical shaved head, with one hand in a packet of pork scratchings and the other in a packet of Scampi Fries, then get on your fucking knees and weep repentance now. Although thinking about it, unless you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger in that film with Danny DeVito (the one which wasn’t twins) you shouldn’t have any children; thus you can't be force fed them by the Archangel Hannibal. Maybe the big G should think that punishment through a little. Maybe you could make them eat their own cocks? Hang on... does anyone know if lezzers are gays too? Because they don’t normally have cocks. Its all a bit confusing really. Gays, Lesbians and all. Apparently my mate is a metrosexual cause he shaves his ass hole - I don't know what that achieves but it sounds a bit deviant. Dunno what punishment he deserves either.
Anyway, don't say that I don't look after you all. Stop sinning and you won't have to eat your children. It is all there in the Bible. Amen!
"If even then you remain hostile toward me and refuse to obey, I will inflict you with seven more disasters for your sins. I will release wild animals that will kill your children and destroy your cattle, so your numbers will dwindle and your roads will be deserted."
Leviticus 26:21-22
...and make YOU eat people....
"If after this you still refuse to listen and still remain hostile toward me, then I will give full vent to my hostility. I will punish you seven times over for your sins. You will eat the flesh of your own sons and daughters. I will destroy your pagan shrines and cut down your incense altars. I will leave your corpses piled up beside your lifeless idols, and I will despise you."
Leviticus 26:27-35
..he points out that everything we know in life is wronger than a naked Gary Glitter tribute act jamming at a child's Birthday party. We all know gay's are wrong (LEV 18:22) - they've been wrong since that Oscar fellow wrote that luvvie book about some pretty dude called Dorian. That's a given really - I shit out of there for Christ’s sake. But why did my school ruin my religious education with boring stories about stables when they could have pointed out that its wrong to touch dead pigs (LEV 11:6-8). Even more worrying is that getting your hair trimmed around the temples (LEV 19:27), and eating shellfish (LEV 11:10) are both considered abominations worthy of a smite or too. Obviously my secular ass knows murder is a fucking no no; but pig-skin? Well poke my eyes out, do the Hokey-Cokey, then sodomise my spawn. No-one told me nuffin about that guvna. Although I have to admit, there's not been a lot of Jews about since that Adolf borrowed a load. That's irrelevant anyway. God, much like the filth, isn't tolerant of ignorance – so I’m glad I’ve learned this now to spare me an afterlife shafting.
More importantly, if you are a man-lover, sporting the stereotypical shaved head, with one hand in a packet of pork scratchings and the other in a packet of Scampi Fries, then get on your fucking knees and weep repentance now. Although thinking about it, unless you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger in that film with Danny DeVito (the one which wasn’t twins) you shouldn’t have any children; thus you can't be force fed them by the Archangel Hannibal. Maybe the big G should think that punishment through a little. Maybe you could make them eat their own cocks? Hang on... does anyone know if lezzers are gays too? Because they don’t normally have cocks. Its all a bit confusing really. Gays, Lesbians and all. Apparently my mate is a metrosexual cause he shaves his ass hole - I don't know what that achieves but it sounds a bit deviant. Dunno what punishment he deserves either.
Anyway, don't say that I don't look after you all. Stop sinning and you won't have to eat your children. It is all there in the Bible. Amen!
tags ( leviticus | religion | sin | cannibalism )
posted by Lee-Jon @ 4:22 pm
1 comments
